Hey Arnold S04E04 “The Beeper Queen/Oskar Can’t Read?”


Season 4 Episode 4 of Hey Arnold, “The Beeper Queen/Oskar Can’t Read?” originally aired March 29th, 1999. It was written by Michelle Lamoreaux and Joseph Purdy. It was the 63rd episode of the series.

The first half of the episode is “The Beeper Queen”. It’s the story of how Helga’s dad Big Bob hurts his back, so her mom, Miriam has to fill in at Big Bob’s Beeper Company.

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Business Woman

The episode opens with Miriam (who Helga refers to by her first name rather than “mom”) reaching for tabasco sauce in the cupboard. A toilet is heard flushing then Big Bob walks in the kitchen and goes, “let a man show you how its done”. Hard to imagine a kid’s cartoon getting away with a line like that in 2016! The social justice warriors would have their heads. Anyways, Big Bob ironically hurts his back after showing the women “how its done”.

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Nothing Like Ice to Cure a Bad Back

Big Bob realizes that his Beeper clients Bubniak and Krapowski are flying in from Buffalo to close a major deal and he will need someone to take his place. So, Miriam steps up to the plate and volunteers but Helga and Big Bob laugh her off, she insists that she is serious. He gives in and tells her to go to the meeting but after come straight home. Again, good thing there were no Social Justice Warriors around in 1999 or else all hell would break loose over this!

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You Can’t Be Cereal

So, the next day she goes off to the meeting and gets home late. She comes in the door and Big Bob says, “Get your ‘patoot’ in here and tell me what happened before I explode!” She gives the details: they went to lunch and a pastry place for coffee and Big Bob says, “Faster Miriam!” She says they ended up tripling their order of beepers! They are also going to stay in town an extra day to look at Big Bob’s Beepers’ selection of cell phones. Big Bob actually seems disappointed it went so well.

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Helga

The next morning, Helga and Big Bob are shocked to see Miriam dressed up in business attire for her next meeting with the Buffalo guys. Helga gets annoyed by her dad’s moping and she goes to talk to Miriam. It then cuts to a montage of how their relationship is getting better, but towards the end it shows Miriam getting to busy to show Helga attention. Finally, one day she forgets to bring Helga to school and Helga asks her dad but he’s sleeping and got fat and just ignored her. When Helga gets to school, she realizes Miriam forgot to pack her lunch and that’s the last straw.

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The Stunning Miriam

Arnold sees Helga sulking in her sorrow on a bridge with an ice cream cone melting and asks if she’s okay. After telling Arnold its “none of his beeswax”, she says, “fine if you need to know,” then she complains about her mom. Arnold, with all his wisdom, suggests that she tells Miriam what she just told him. Helga approaches Miriam at the set of the new commercial she’s filming, a song about how “Beepers are a girls best friend”, and Miriam tells her its not a good time because she’s needed in five minutes. Miriam then sees her interaction with Helga caught on tape and realizes how heartless it was and rushes to go see what Helga wanted. She promises Helga she will be a better mom, and the next day, they force Big Bob to go back to work.

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All These Years I Thought Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

The second half of the episode is “Oskar Can’t Read?”. The episode opens with dinner at the boarding house. Ernie, who is voiced by the famous Dom Irrera (I never knew he was a voice on the show!), asks Oskar to pass the salt and Oskar gives him the pepper. Ernie replies like a mafioso with “Oh marone what a dimwit!”

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Its Not Easy To Distinguish Salt From Pepper!

Next, the X-Ray glasses Oskar ordered are delivered to the boarding house. Oskar very creepily exclaims “Oh great it’s my new X-Ray glasses so I can see through peoples’ clothes!” The delivery man tells Oskar to sign his name on line 1 and Oskar is stumped. Another instance of Oskar’s inability to read is shown when Grandpa Phil is cutting onions and asks Oskar to read him the rest of the recipe. Oskar says “Oh I can’t help right now because my eyes are too teary from these onions.”

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Pills For Headaches/Cleaning Fish Bowls

Next, Arnold sees him opening a bottle of tablets to clean fish tanks and Oskar says he needs the pills for his headache. Arnold calls Oskar out on not being able to read. Ernie and Mr. Hyunh overhear this exchange and start laughing. Oskar bets them he will be able to read by the end of the month and they take the bet. After the others leave, Oskar asks Arnold to teach him how to read.

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Arnold The Teacher

Arnold accepts and starts teaching Oskar. But Oskar doesn’t take it seriously and makes up various excuses of why he hasn’t been making progress. One day, Oskar says he has learned and is ready to read the first page of A Tale of Two Cities. He then finds a random kid and buys him chocolate as payment for helping him memorize the first page of the novel.

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He Can Do Eeet!

The day comes, and Oskar reads the first page to everyone. After he finishes, Ernie asks him to do it one more time, and secretly swaps A Tale of Two Cities out for another book. Oskar doesn’t realize the books were swapped and he recites the same passage. Oskar was busted on his lie!

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Don’t Make Fun Of Me!

Oskar is down and out and mopes around the street. A kid approaches him and asks to help read the map because he’s lost and Oskar says sorry he can’t, and the kid starts to heckle and make fun of Oskar. This embarrassment forces him to come back to Arnold to try to learn to read once again. Arnold hesitantly grants him another chance.

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That’s A Good Kitty

Oskar actually puts in the effort this time around. One day Arnold drops Oskar off at a library. Oskar is struggling to read on his own then notices a children’s reading group and asks if he can read them the story. The book is called “Pet the Kitty” (how appropriate after these recently released comments about “petting kitties” our Dear Leader Donald Trump was recorded as saying).

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Yes Of Course!

He is so excited about successfully reading the story, he even fights with a kid about who can read the next story! Arnold’s final test is to blindfold Oskar and bring him to the opposite end of the city. Then Arnold gives him directions home and leaves him, telling him to find his way home. Oskar ends up getting lost in a bad part of town. He sees a stray cat and remembers his reading of the story about petting kitties and he realizes he can read the street signs and make it home. He makes it home very late, and everyone is shocked. The episode ends with him reading the kitty story late at night, very loudly.

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Pet The Kitty By Donald J Trump

The end. Thanks for reading. I love Hey Arnold so much that I felt it was appropriate to write this summary of a classic episode! Hope it brought enjoyment!

The Greatest Rap Freestyle Ever


Slob On My Knob“, what I consider to be the greatest rap freestyle of all time, was a track on the 1999 album “CrazyNDaLazDayz” by the Tear Da Club Up Thugs (TDCUT). TDCUT was a group on Hypnotize Minds Records that consisted of Three Six Mafia and most other rappers on the record label. TDCUT is considered to be the violent, primal side of the Hypnotize Minds label. I believe, without a doubt, that Slob on My Knob is the greatest rap freestyle of all time. A statement of the most primal of male urges. Here’s another Tear Da Club Up Thugs joint feat. the Hot Boys!

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Three 6 Mafia in the 90s

Three 6 Mafia of the 90s was one of the forefathers of hardcore rap. The group consists of DJ Paul, Juicy J, and Crunchy Black. Their most famous songs include “Sippin’ on Some Syrup”, “Poppin’ My Collar”, and “Doe Boy Fresh”. Furthermore, they won the Academy Award in 2006 for Best Original Song for “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” from the film “Hustle and Flow”.

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Band-Aid On Da Chin

It’s clear that the Three 6 Mafia have been very successful, but I consider their greatest achievement to be the greatest freestyle of all time “Slob on My Knob”. It’s a fast tempo, 2:00 long song. It contains many “genius” one liners. Let’s look at a few of them.

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Another Epic Three 6 Mafia Joint

Immediately, we are hit with the iconic voice of Juicy J saying “Slob on My Knob/Like Corn On the Cob.” It’s pretty clear here, the man wants a BJ, in a manner similar to a girl eating corn on the cob. Puts a pretty clear picture in your mind. A woman chomping on a bloody wiener.

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Corn Fed Midwestern Girls

Another outstanding lyric is “Third Find a Bag/To Hide the Ho Face”. What this means is that, if you’re an uggo you can still hook up with him, you just have to hide your face in a bag. I couldn’t imagine me telling a hunny to put a bag over her head, and her not leaving. Takes a true pimp to pull this one off.

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The Royal Penis Is Clean Your Highness

Moving on to verse two, almost immediately we’re hit with “I Said Just Forget It It’s too Crabby”. Apparently he’s not happy with the lady his boy hooked him up, because she has crabs. This is the definition of Too Much Information, but entertaining nonetheless.

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TDCUT

Last but not least, we have the line “Till I Got Caught, Fuckin With Her Mother”. Always with the drama. Our boy Juicy must have been screwing his girls mom. I can’t imagine the scene this caused. To any Three 6 Mafia fan, you can see the foreshadowing this line had on Juicy’s future songs, which frequently reference MILFs.

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Only 90s Kids Will Get This

Here’s a link to the Crazyndalazdayz full mixtape.

Here’s Smoked Out.

And here is the Classic Slob on My Knob.

Please check out my Go Fund Me. If you can contribute or share my campaign, I would appreciate it!

Please leave comments and thoughts!

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Don’t Fucks Wit Us!

Ol’ Dirty Bastard, The Legendary Folk Hero of our Generation


Hello everyone! It has been almost 2 years since I have posted something on here. I have been working on a novel and some short stories so I have not had any time for this. I am glad to be back.

This post contains examples that prove why I believe Russell “Ol’ Dirty Bastard” Jones (ODB), of the Wu Tang Clan, is our generation’s preeminent folk hero. The dictionary definition of “folk hero” is a type of hero–real, or fictional–that has left a significant collective memory in the people of a society through his or her personality or deeds. ODB has absolutely left a “significant collective memory” through both his personality and deeds over the course of his very short 35 year life. And although he only lived a short 35 years, he probably had more action and achieved more in his life than most 90 year olds. The upcoming ODB biopic will definitely be something that we won’t want to miss.

  • ODB was born in 1968 in the projects of Brooklyn. He was very poor growing up and on welfare. He and his cousins RZA and GZA had a strong interest in Rap music as well as martial arts movies. ODB never said much in interviews about his childhood, but RZA had the following memories:

“Me and [ODB] ran through this city, man, cutting school, stealin’ pretzels from the hot dog stand, being vagabonds, sleeping on the trains, drinking 40s on the back of the A Train, rapping, getting chased by the police.”

  • My personal favorite ODB story was from 1998. He was recording in the studio and saw a four year old girl get hit by a car. He ran out and with the help of some friends, lifted the car off the girl and saved her life. Here is a link to the story:

ODB Saves 4 Year Old Girl’s Life

Notice this story is from 2/24/1998. The next day, was 2/25/1998 which was the 1998 Grammys, when this gem happened:

Unhappy that Wu Tang lost to Diddy, ODB went onstage and taught Kanye how its done. Onstage, ODB says, “I don’t know how ya’ll see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu Tang is for the children. We teach the children.” Obviously he was intoxicated, but the previous day he saved a four year old girl’s life, so this was most likely a reference to that event. Shows karma probably does not exist either.

  • Another fabled ODB story comes from Ghostface:  

ODB had friction burns on his Johnson, but just to get some pussy he wrapped gauze around it then put a condom on and “still fucked a bitch”. Classic. However, not surprising to hear this about a person who had 13 kids (before the age of 35 at that).

  • This whole 33 minute interview is pure gold as well.

 The highlights occur at: 2:28, 7:11 (best moment), 9:30, 11:39, 16:24, 17:36, 18:15, 22:56, 25:10,  30:32, and 31:40.

  • Then there was the revelation the FBI had a file on him.

ODB’s FBI File Summary

Some of the highlights are:

  1. In 1999, ODB was stopped in a car with Jersey plates in Steubenville, Ohio; the same day a man was murdered in Steubenville. There was a shotgun, ammo, and a gun holster in the car. All people in the car were detained but only one was given weapons charges (not ODB).
  2. In 1999, ODB fired 2 shots at NYPD officers. He was acquitted by grand jury for attempted murder charge.
  3. ODB was robbed many times in the late 90’s.
  4. The NYPD considered the Wu Tang Clan a mafia-like organization and brought the FBI in for assistance in their investigation.
  • Then there was the time ODB escaped from his drug treatment program to record songs with RZA and attend the “The W” album release party. He was rearrested in Philadelphia when a crowd surrounded him signing autographs:

ODB Escape Story

  • One of Howard Stern’s best interviews was of ODB (occurred the day after the Grammy interruption, it was an eventful week for ODB):

The whole interview is classic. No specific times of the interview are better than others, in my opinion. But it is very interesting to hear how Diddy’s entourage responded to his interruption (where he says Wu Tang is better than Diddy’s crew). Good thing this interview happened before Stern moved to Sirius and lost his edge.

  • My top five personal favorite ODB lyrics (there’s many, many more, but these are my top five):
    • I put my dick in her womb/she blew my head like a balloon, I had her walking on the moon
    • Dip my Dunkin between your Donut/Don’t want it if it ain’t no slut, bitch
    • For any emcee in any fifty-two states/I get psycho killer, Norman Bates
    • Bitch you got herpes in ya ass/Every time you fuck a nigga, he dies fast/And you won’t be last/The pussy break down from a rash/It’s hard for you to walk, cuz you stuck up in your ass
    • Beer belly, I chuckle like Kris Kringle/Put four grams of cocaine, crushed up in the single
  • And last, but not least we can’t forget about the famous video of ODB going with his baby momma and some of his kids to get cash his welfare and get food stamps. Keep in mind he just received an advance from his label:

Overall, you may not agree with how the man lived his life; but you have to respect his attitude and how he had total disregard for societal norms and government authority. We lost a legend in 2004.

In the intro, I gave the dictionary definition of “folk hero” as ‘…a type of hero–real, or fictional–that has left a significant collective memory in the people of a society through his or her personality or deeds’. The two main ways I believe that ODB lived up to this definition and is our generation’s folk hero is (1) how he interrupted the Grammy’s (personality).  Kanye West copied Mr. Bastard’s when he stole the mic from Taylor Swift, although he could have studied ODB a little more and done it in a more tactful way. And (2) he saved a four year old girl’s life after she was hit by a car (deeds). If you can’t respect the man for this alone, then you have issues.

Its interesting to think of what more he could have done since he passed. If there is anything I may have missed, please comment. Also thank you for taking the time to read my post!

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