All That Is Wrong With Lena Dunham


There is a plague like scourge that America is currently dealing with, and her name is Lena Dunham. One of the physical embodiments of the “regressive left” that exists in our once great (and will be great again after November when Lena Dunham moves to Canada) country. I’m not a sexist, or a bigot, or a racist but this post is going to definitely make me sound like one. If you’re good at what you do, I like and respect you. That counts for everyone; women, men, children, Arabs, Africans, Gays, etc. I’m blind to labels, I only see talent. For example, I believe Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are very funny comedians – in the top 10 of my list of current comics.

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Sorry if you were planning on eating in the next month

I discovered this wench over 4 years ago in 2012 when I saw the show “Girls” on HBO on demand. I watched an episode, I cannot remember which episode, lets just say it was the pilot, and was utterly disgusted. Disgusted mostly with myself that I wasted over 50 minutes of my precious life absorbing this nonsense. But also disgusted with television and HBO to allow such fuckery to air. That day I made a promise to myself that I would never put myself through that, or anything like it ever again.

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Lena after dropping a dirty turd. Stinks in there.

However, this accidental viewing of “Girls” wasn’t the last time I would be tortured by this mental midget. Since “Girls” started in 2012 she has seemed to hit the news a couple of times a year for various dumb reasons.

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I’m seriously sorry if you were planning on eating

First, she received a $3.7 million dollar advance for a book shortly after the first season of her show ended – and good for her, I’m happy for her. But I’m also happy that, as of January 16th 2016, her books only sold 271,931 copies. Which is a little more than half way to the publishers break even point of 500,000 copies sold – serves them right. That’s karma. With any luck, the PC lib asshat who approved that deal got canned.

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Again

By the way, the only non-whites in the pilot of Girls were a black taxi driver, a black homeless guy, and an Asian. They then hired Donald Glover AKA Childish Gambino to star in a couple of episodes in season 2 to end the claims of racism. Pretty strange for a show created by such a PC, liberal, gay rights, and other minorities activist.

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The belly button is deep

Fast forward to 2014. Lena’s book “Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s ‘Learned'” is finally released. In it she reveals her sexual assault of her sister and also makes the PROVEN false claim that she was sexually assaulted while she was a student at Oberlin College. By the way, Lena’s sister is now a lesbian. Conventional wisdom says that sexuality is genetic, but this is an interesting coincidence, the younger sister being sexually assaulted as a child by the older sister and becomes a lesbian. This book is a true window into the ugliness that resides inside Lena Dunham’s body.

In the book Lena says she was high on coke and xanax and she was alone when she was raped. This random CONSERVATIVE man from her college took advantage of the situation and sexually assaulted her. I’m sorry but how is the man’s politics relevant to the false rape. Why is that detail added to the narrative? Also, if you’re high on coke and xanax, it’s probably not that easy to communicate whether or not you want sex – I recommend to only mix these substances around friends. All in all, rape is a very serious accusation and even if the man is found innocent, many times the damage to his reputation is already done. I personally know a man who was falsely accused of rape and he the situation made him suicidal, he hasn’t been the same since. For this reason alone, Lena should be ostracized from mainstream pop culture.

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Be careful or I’ll accuse you of rape

Another interesting tidbit on Lena is how she claimed she was waiting to get married until gay marriage is legal in all 50 states. So then, in 2015 when gay marriage becomes legal on the federal level, she says she’s not ready to get married yet. So, the question becomes, why even make that statement in the first place? Lena clearly isn’t the new generations premier logician, that’s for certain.

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Hope you weren’t planning on eating this month

So now we’re in 2016 and the stupid Lena Dunham stories are only accelerating. First we have her coming to the defense of fellow false rape accuser Ke$ha. Definitely makes sense – “it’s a false rape accuser thing”. If a woman accuses a man of rape and then it’s proven to be a lie, that woman should get as many years, if not more, in prison than the man would have gotten.

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“Theres no toilet paper left to wipe my butt with”

Then we have her dumb comment about Kanye’s video for his song “Famous”. She says the video is one of the most “disturbing ‘artistic’ efforts in her recent memory”.This is the video with the naked wax versions of various celebrities. Of note is that Lena Dunham was not one of those naked wax celebrities. It’s not good to make assumptions, but I have a feeling she wouldn’t have made that criticism if she was one of those naked celebs. When asked about Lena’s criticism, Kanye responded, “who?”.

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That’s a dumb tattoo

Now, most recently, Lena gave a speech at the Democratic National Convention. I don’t know what segment of the Democratic electorate she represents. And it’s also pretty ironic that the Black Lives Matter party would have someone who is the definition of white privilege speak, but that’s beyond my scope here. Straight up, what she said was just really stupid.

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All in all, please don’t pay this idiot any further attention. She’s not interesting, she’s unfunny, and a no talent. She doesn’t stand for anything, and isn’t intelligent. The least you can do, is next time you’re in Barnes & Noble, find Lena’s book, pick your nose or your ass, and wipe your dirty finger on a page.

Synopsis of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job; Season 5 Episode 8, ‘Handsome’


So much can be said about the brilliance that is Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job. I’m grateful Bob Odenkirk discovered them and gave them a shot. But I’m also sure they would have eventually gotten famous on their own, they are just too talented. Tim and Eric are geniuses of comedy, their take on the genre is revolutionary. I consider them to be artists of comedy. Their team is very talented as well, specifically their editor DJ Douggpound and their composer Davin Wood. I personally can watch any episode on repeat and it wouldn’t come close to getting old or stale. Among all this geniusness, one episode is the greatest of the series in my opinion (I’m sure many people don’t agree with me but this is just my personal opinion) and that is the season 5 Episode “Handsome” (episode 8 of season 5).

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Eric performing a medical inspection on Tim with a large needle

The episode opens with a “Morning Meditations”. This iteration of Morning Meditations features a hippie-type man with long hair, light yellow button down shirt, grey slacks, and a silver chain. For a split second the camera zooms in on his face and his eyes look like they are ready to pop out of his face as if he was wired on something, hopefully “coffee”. The man starts it off with a bizarre eclectic dance. The dance involves him moving his arms and legs in repetitive motions. The morning meditator then gets on all fours like an animal and claws his hands like he’s a lion. The noise he makes while he’s in this position sounds like that which a seal or porpoise of some type would make. We probably have Douggpound to thank for that noise. The man then removes his button down shirt, probably to show his beastly side, and the noise he makes turns into the roar of a lion. He then stands on all fours and roars again. To conclude the scene the camera zooms in on his face while he’s making a mean face with his pearly whites exposed.

After the Morning Meditation, the opening credits play. The opening for this episode is psychedelic-themed. There’s cannabis leaves popping in and the colors are like the colors you would see on a tye dyed shirt. The word “trippy” even flashes on the screen for a split second, subliminal message-esque.  

The opening scene after the credits consists of Tim and Eric standing in their office (obviously green screened or some other effect used because the office looks really odd). Their cubicles are across from each other and they are standing in the aisle between their cubes. Eric’s cube contains a pile of letters from fans, apparently all containing the message that he is the handsomest man. There doesn’t seem to be any fan mail in Tim’s cube. One of Eric’s letters is from a fan named “kelly” with a plea to come over and look at her “bazans”. I figure that means “boobs” since there is a crude drawing of boobs in the letter (2 circles with dots in the middle) and Eric proceeds to lick the bazans drawing. Its such an awesome word for boobs that it has entered my own personal lexicon and I now use “bazans” instead of “boobs” in everyday conversation.  Tim and Eric then have a friendly but slightly serious argument about who is the most handsome. Then Tim lets the viewer know the reason for there not being any fan mail in his cube; he scans everything in and digitizes it to keep a clean record of his account. After some more banter about who is most handsome, they agree to get a 3 person panel and have a contest to see who is the most handsome.

After this confrontation a scene begins, featuring a catchy Davin Wood tune, with various middle aged men doing strange dances in their front yard singing about their daily routines on what they would consider the perfect day. Specifically a “perfect dad day”. Obviously, being the Tim and Eric show, the daily routines are abnormal to say the least. The scene also features some Douggpound edits, which are always a riot. My favorite part here is the guy who “checks the levels in his toilet bowls”. I mean who doesn’t do that….lmao.

Next it cuts to the opening of the competition of who’s the most handsome man. Richard Dunn (god rest his soul) is the leader of the 3 member panel along with 2 other women. Who better to judge who is the most handsome other than Richard Dunn?! The competition begins with a card from Eric’s parents showing the parents in bed having what appears to be doggystyle sex and says “To Eric our #1 Handsome Boy!”. Eric then plays a video showing why he’s the most handsome. The video begins with Eric in a magician type outfit with a top hat and leotard. The only words Eric repeats in the video is “oh yeah” in various tones of voice. There are also a couple women with large bazans dancing along with him. Then it ends with the words “undeniably handsome” written on the screen. Eric received creative consulting help with his video from Bilb Ono:

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Bilb Ono is my favorite Douggpound face

After that scene we are treated to a commercial for a very interesting and useful Cinco product, “The Cinco FaceTime party snoozer”. I need to get me one of these! All too often I find myself having mind numbingly boring conversations in social settings that bore me to death. This product allows you to sleep thru parties without anyone noticing. The party snoozer is a clear mask with a set of eyes that are wide open which allows you to close your eyes behind the mask without anyone noticing. When others start to talk to you it says phrases to show you are paying attention. A few phrases it says are “sure why not”, “I understand”, and “okay”. Why can’t there be a real Cinco company to make these useful products in real life!? The product even includes a body brace that allows the user to sleep while standing!

Now the episode goes back to the handsomest man competition and Tim plays his video showing why he’s the most handsome. Tim’s video is great. A Fabio type man makes a few appearances in the video as well. It shows him in various sexuality suggestive positions with either very little cloths or nude. For example:

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Tim is the most handsome man

Tim also does a small bit of commentary saying things such as he likes his eyes and legs. He also reveals that when he showers he often catches himself looking at his body in the mirror and it turns him on. The best part of Tim’s video is him and another man having a conversation at a water cooler and Tim’s pants and underwear are down around his knees allowing his dong and butt to be exposed. He then gets on his knees and drinks straight from the spout of the water cooler. He also says the blood from his body is hot, wet, and red.

Now that Tim and Eric have both played their respective videos, it’s now time for Richard Dunn and his team of judges to decide who the most handsome man is. The judge Boh Boh votes for Eric and the judge Bohdar votes for Tim. Now Richard Dunn has to cast the tie breaking vote. To build the suspense the episode cuts to another scene showing various dads singing and dancing describing the perfect dad day.

Now it goes to the final round of the handsome man competition where Richard Dunn will decide who is most handsome. Richard Dunn says in order to make up his mind he needs to French kiss both Tim and Eric and then he will be able to come to a decision. Lucky them I wish I had a chance to French kiss Richard Dunn!

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Who could resist?

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Don't be timid, Tim

Then the episode ends without us knowing who was the most handsome. Typical Tim and Eric fashion!

Thanks for reading and leave me some comments!

-Jules

‘KingPin’ (1996) Review


Hello friendz! Jules is back and with a new film review. This week I’m going to take a look at the comedy classic starring Bill Murray and woody Harrelson,  Kingpin! I decided to pick this one to review in honor of my newest tablet game obsession, PBA Challenge. I’ve been playing it non stop this past week and it’s gotten me into a bowling mood.
Here’s the app logo:

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LOL, I’m such a minivan.

Well anyhoo let’s get started and happy sticky Saturday! Let me begin by saying some of the best comedy movies came out in the 90s, with kingpin, which was released in 1996, being one of the best in my eyes. Kingpin was directed by the farrellys. They had to be good since these goof balls also brought us dumb and dumber. Woody Harrelson (who happens to be the film’s star) is, hands down, a member of the most underrated actors ever. Some of his best performances are in cheers, white boi won’t jump, and natural born killers. I think he’s a type of actor with which common men can relate. As opposed to a George clooney or Brad Pitt who have too much of a pretty boy/rich boy appearance.
Here is the film’s poster:

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Gotta love Randy quaid’s priceless face!

Kingpin has a strong intro, showing you Roy Munson (Harrelson) as a child. His father Calvert Munson (Danny green) is shown teaching young Roy (will Rothhaar) how to bowl. This shows the viewer immediately that Roy has been raised to be a career bowlman. His natural talent is also exposed, with a highlight showing Roy getting a strike on the back yard bowling alley Calvert built. In my opinion, this scene is symbolic of 2 things. First the future sexuality Roy possesses.  Next, the utter devastation Roy feels about his future tragedy.
“O brother why me”:

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So, the story fast forwards to the adult roy. Obviously he is a great bowler having won enough money to float by. One day he hustles people and Ernie “Big Ern” McCracken (bill Murray) leaves Roy hanging. Needless to say the kidnappers grind Roy’s hand in the bowling ball return.  This leaves Roy’s hand replaced with a hook. His life goes to shambles since he is no longer able to pursue his life’s passion,  bowling. My favorite quote from this scene is “my names not boy, it’s roy”. Roy says this to one of the thugs like a hard ass!

After Roy loses his hand and ability to bowl, he goes through great lengths to find a protege that he can coach to fame. Kind of like the guy who bought LeBron James A hummer when he was in high school. Roy goes through great ordeals, to include becoming Amish for a brief period of time, to find Ishmael Boorg (Randy Quaid) who will fill the role of protege.

“Flossin? Where’d I get Munson?” Ishmael’s most memorable quote.

The greatest scene starring good old Ismael involved him and roy in the bathroom, and ishmael takes a poop poop in a urinal! The original urinal deuce mind you! Wow, gotta love that story development! Also gotta love roy claiming to be from an Amish family from ohio! What a great beautiful state. I’m proud to call it home!
Ishmael and Roy in Amish country:

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And now for the Sexiest scene of the movie. This prestigious award goes to claudia (Vanessa angel). She grabs alcohol for the men and she gets cold from the fridge. This forces her nipples to stand erect at the top of the mountain!  It’s glorious my friend!
The beautiful Vanessa Angel,  straight out england:

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One of my personal favorite scenes in kingpin features comedic actor chris Elliott as a degenerate gambler. You might remember chris elliot from something about Mary LOL. Chris Elliott, you rock:

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The final scene of this epic movie has what could quite possibly be the greatest bowling game ever played. No joke, it goes down as one of the top 5 in history (the game from the big lebowski is somewhere on that list, too). I don’t want to write any spoilers on here, so all you noobs out there that haven’t seen kingpin yet, go see it! The ending is tragic with wild twists and turns. Bravo, writing team!

In reflection, I believe kingpin influenced a great movie that will be released in coming years. Obviously it is the big lebowski, because of the bowling theme. Another coincidence between these infamous films is they were both directed by a team of brothers. The coens with lebowski and the farrellys with kingpin. I also think kingpin influenced the TV show south park. Specifically the episode with the urinal deuce in the school. This reflects upon Ishmael’s shit in the urinal.
Here is one of the famous scenes from that harrowing south park episode:

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Recent picture of the original whiteman who couldn’t jump good, Woody Harrelson:

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Some other notable characters also include:
William Jordan as Mr. Boorg
Richard Tyson as Stiffy’s owner
Lin Shaye as Landlady
Zen Gesner as Thomas
Prudence Wright Holmes as Mrs. Boorg
Steve Tyler as Gas Station Attendant
Rob Moran as Stanley Osmanski
Willie Garson as Purse snatcher
Chris Schenkel as Himself

All in all I rate this an 8.5/10. I think it is a cult classic due to woody Harrelson and bill Murray’s dark comedy. Also Randy quaid’s A+ performance. Another strong point to kingpin is its angelic soundtrack. Two of my favorite songs from the movie were but anyway by blues traveler and like a virgin by Madonna.

Blues travler:

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America’s favorite virgin,  Madonna:

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Comedian/actor woody Harrelson in one last, mysterious picture:

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Thanks again all you people out there who took the time to read my opinion! I’m planning to move away from movies for my next post and review the famous Steve King novel,  ‘salem’s lot.

-ya boy julian!

PS check out my YouTube page! http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxDenti-j8Ytw_l28_1NMCQ