Hey Arnold S04E04 “The Beeper Queen/Oskar Can’t Read?”

Season 4 Episode 4 of Hey Arnold, “The Beeper Queen/Oskar Can’t Read?” originally aired March 29th, 1999. It was written by Michelle Lamoreaux and Joseph Purdy. It was the 63rd episode of the series.

The first half of the episode is “The Beeper Queen”. It’s the story of how Helga’s dad Big Bob hurts his back, so her mom, Miriam has to fill in at Big Bob’s Beeper Company.


Business Woman

The episode opens with Miriam (who Helga refers to by her first name rather than “mom”) reaching for tabasco sauce in the cupboard. A toilet is heard flushing then Big Bob walks in the kitchen and goes, “let a man show you how its done”. Hard to imagine a kid’s cartoon getting away with a line like that in 2016! The social justice warriors would have their heads. Anyways, Big Bob ironically hurts his back after showing the women “how its done”.


Nothing Like Ice to Cure a Bad Back

Big Bob realizes that his Beeper clients Bubniak and Krapowski are flying in from Buffalo to close a major deal and he will need someone to take his place. So, Miriam steps up to the plate and volunteers but Helga and Big Bob laugh her off, she insists that she is serious. He gives in and tells her to go to the meeting but after come straight home. Again, good thing there were no Social Justice Warriors around in 1999 or else all hell would break loose over this!


You Can’t Be Cereal

So, the next day she goes off to the meeting and gets home late. She comes in the door and Big Bob says, “Get your ‘patoot’ in here and tell me what happened before I explode!” She gives the details: they went to lunch and a pastry place for coffee and Big Bob says, “Faster Miriam!” She says they ended up tripling their order of beepers! They are also going to stay in town an extra day to look at Big Bob’s Beepers’ selection of cell phones. Big Bob actually seems disappointed it went so well.



The next morning, Helga and Big Bob are shocked to see Miriam dressed up in business attire for her next meeting with the Buffalo guys. Helga gets annoyed by her dad’s moping and she goes to talk to Miriam. It then cuts to a montage of how their relationship is getting better, but towards the end it shows Miriam getting to busy to show Helga attention. Finally, one day she forgets to bring Helga to school and Helga asks her dad but he’s sleeping and got fat and just ignored her. When Helga gets to school, she realizes Miriam forgot to pack her lunch and that’s the last straw.


The Stunning Miriam

Arnold sees Helga sulking in her sorrow on a bridge with an ice cream cone melting and asks if she’s okay. After telling Arnold its “none of his beeswax”, she says, “fine if you need to know,” then she complains about her mom. Arnold, with all his wisdom, suggests that she tells Miriam what she just told him. Helga approaches Miriam at the set of the new commercial she’s filming, a song about how “Beepers are a girls best friend”, and Miriam tells her its not a good time because she’s needed in five minutes. Miriam then sees her interaction with Helga caught on tape and realizes how heartless it was and rushes to go see what Helga wanted. She promises Helga she will be a better mom, and the next day, they force Big Bob to go back to work.


All These Years I Thought Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend

The second half of the episode is “Oskar Can’t Read?”. The episode opens with dinner at the boarding house. Ernie, who is voiced by the famous Dom Irrera (I never knew he was a voice on the show!), asks Oskar to pass the salt and Oskar gives him the pepper. Ernie replies like a mafioso with “Oh marone what a dimwit!”


Its Not Easy To Distinguish Salt From Pepper!

Next, the X-Ray glasses Oskar ordered are delivered to the boarding house. Oskar very creepily exclaims “Oh great it’s my new X-Ray glasses so I can see through peoples’ clothes!” The delivery man tells Oskar to sign his name on line 1 and Oskar is stumped. Another instance of Oskar’s inability to read is shown when Grandpa Phil is cutting onions and asks Oskar to read him the rest of the recipe. Oskar says “Oh I can’t help right now because my eyes are too teary from these onions.”


Pills For Headaches/Cleaning Fish Bowls

Next, Arnold sees him opening a bottle of tablets to clean fish tanks and Oskar says he needs the pills for his headache. Arnold calls Oskar out on not being able to read. Ernie and Mr. Hyunh overhear this exchange and start laughing. Oskar bets them he will be able to read by the end of the month and they take the bet. After the others leave, Oskar asks Arnold to teach him how to read.


Arnold The Teacher

Arnold accepts and starts teaching Oskar. But Oskar doesn’t take it seriously and makes up various excuses of why he hasn’t been making progress. One day, Oskar says he has learned and is ready to read the first page of A Tale of Two Cities. He then finds a random kid and buys him chocolate as payment for helping him memorize the first page of the novel.


He Can Do Eeet!

The day comes, and Oskar reads the first page to everyone. After he finishes, Ernie asks him to do it one more time, and secretly swaps A Tale of Two Cities out for another book. Oskar doesn’t realize the books were swapped and he recites the same passage. Oskar was busted on his lie!


Don’t Make Fun Of Me!

Oskar is down and out and mopes around the street. A kid approaches him and asks to help read the map because he’s lost and Oskar says sorry he can’t, and the kid starts to heckle and make fun of Oskar. This embarrassment forces him to come back to Arnold to try to learn to read once again. Arnold hesitantly grants him another chance.


That’s A Good Kitty

Oskar actually puts in the effort this time around. One day Arnold drops Oskar off at a library. Oskar is struggling to read on his own then notices a children’s reading group and asks if he can read them the story. The book is called “Pet the Kitty” (how appropriate after these recently released comments about “petting kitties” our Dear Leader Donald Trump was recorded as saying).


Yes Of Course!

He is so excited about successfully reading the story, he even fights with a kid about who can read the next story! Arnold’s final test is to blindfold Oskar and bring him to the opposite end of the city. Then Arnold gives him directions home and leaves him, telling him to find his way home. Oskar ends up getting lost in a bad part of town. He sees a stray cat and remembers his reading of the story about petting kitties and he realizes he can read the street signs and make it home. He makes it home very late, and everyone is shocked. The episode ends with him reading the kitty story late at night, very loudly.


Pet The Kitty By Donald J Trump

The end. Thanks for reading. I love Hey Arnold so much that I felt it was appropriate to write this summary of a classic episode! Hope it brought enjoyment!

“Rattlers’ Class of ’63” – Top 5 Scenes

The Rockford Files was a show from the 1970s starring the legendary James Garner as Jim Rockford. The story revolved around a private investigator, Jim “Rockford” Rockford. The show follows his various investigations and other capers he finds himself in Los Angeles County, California. This video pretty much sums up the character of Jim Rockford. Today I will be reviewing what I thought were the top 5 scenes of the episode “Rattler’s Class of ’63”. It is the 8th episode of the 3rd season.


James “Jim ‘Rockford’ Rockford” Garner

With an Original Air Date of 11/26/1976, it will hit the ripe old age of 40 in just two and a half months. Here’s a link to the iconic theme of The Rockford Files.


It’s $200 Per Day, Plus Expenses, Bitch!

This episode is of particular interest because it was written by David Chase, who went on to create The Sopranos. Which is one of my favorite shows, sparking my interest into his other earlier works. Leading me to The Rockford Files. He wrote 30 episodes of The Sopranos and directed 2 (The Pilot and Made In America – the final episode). The Sopranos is still widely considered to be the greatest show of all time, even though it’s been 9 years since the final episode.


David Chase, Creator Of The Sopranos

And here’s a link to TV Guide’s “Top 50 Shows” list from April 26, 2002. Notice that not only is The Rockford Files is ranked 39th, but The Sopranos is ranked 5th already. Just to remind you, the list is from 2002, more than 5 years before The Sopranos final episode.


David Chase With His Partner In Crime, James Gandolfini

Onto my top 5 scenes of “Rattlers’ Class of ’63”, the fifth ranked episode of the series, according to IMDB. Unfortunately, I could only find one video from the episode on YouTube, but it can be found on Netflix.


Big Pimpen In Cali

5). 11:13-13:37 – Bobby Boyajian and his goons walk in his sister Regine’s apartment while she’s talking to Rockford. Bobby points out, “here’s the guy that pounded me at the church,” while pointing at Rockford. Chubby guy with curly hair (Leo I think?) punches Rockford in the stomach and Bobby and the other goon hold Rockford. They pull him outside where Leo says to Rockford, “You’re in deep trouble, Mr. Brewmeister!”. Then cocks his elbow back ready to swing into Rockford’s gut. Rockford is able to fight back and flee. Epic chase scene ensues. Rockford pulls away and his pursuers lose sight of him. He then hides behind a corner and surprise sucker-punches Leo causing him to fall into the pool.


Nothing Like A Good Old Smoke Break

4). 5:36-6:40 – Regine Boyajian and Angel Martin (Stuart Margolin) are tying the knot. Regine’s brother, Bobby Boyajian, barges in and interrupts the wedding, saying “what do ya call this?!…I gotta hear it from your landlord?” Bobby then sucker punches Angel. Next, Rockford grabs Bobby to stabilize him, and Bobby tries to punch Rockford and he gets bitch slapped. Rockford don’t take no shit. Bobby cries out, “He’s not even Armenian!”. I was surprised no one else in the Boyajian family in attendance intervened to control Bobby’s outburst.


Wedding of Regine and Angel

3). 28:10-31:52 – We see Rockford walking with Regine at Bobby’s wake. In this emotional moment, Rockford assures Regine that he and Angel had nothing to do with her brother Bobby’s death. It’s surprising to me that the victim’s family would even allow someone who was suspected of the man’s murder at his wake. Regine goes into details on how in recent months, Bobby became closer to people like Leo and has always been drunk and “perpetually” broke. Here’s an interesting video of the “women of The Rockford Files”. Rockford knows Regine and Angel aren’t making love so he wants to swoop in and help a woman out!


How’d I End Up In This Mess Guys

2). 33:30-35:28 – Rockford talks to his friend LAPD Sergeant Dennis Becker (Joe Santos). He inquires as to what Dennis found on Chechick and Leo Cale. The duo buried Eddie Groger and another body in the landfill (Boyajian Brothers Sanitation Co.) and forced the sleazy car salesman to buy the property. Rockford keeps trying to pry for further information. Dennis forcefully lets Rockford know he’s being charged with “conspiracy to commit”. And Rockford sarcastically repeats “conspiracy to commit?”. Rockford promptly zips his lips.


I’m So Nice

1). 41:20-43:09 – We find Rockford and Angel talking in a trailer, waiting to be attacked by whoever is pursuing them. Then we see the used car salesman and some other man in the driver’s seat, watching them from a distance. Soon after, Angel hears noise outside the trailer. Rockford says to wait to attack until the person gets inside because they’re gonna stick with the plan they already set up. We then hear the man messing with the gas cap, and Angel remembers that he did not lock it. The car salesman lights fire to the gas tank and the trailer explodes, but Rockford and Angel escape and exchange fire with the guys. It’s the fat guy from the landfill driving the getaway car for the used car salesman. They get stuck on a rock and Rockford catches up to them (ironic?).

As a big time Soprano’s fan, I definitely found it interesting to go back in time and see some of David Chase’s ealiest works. However, I did not see much in this episode of The Rockford Files that reminded me of anything in The Sopranos. Regardless, it was still an entertaining 50 minutes of my life.


He’s Not Afraid To Have Old Friends

Please share your thoughts and comments! Of course my list is imperfect, and not all peeps will agree with my opinions.

And keep your fingers crossed for a The Rockford Files movie!

Oh yea, and please check out my Go Fund Me page, and if you can help share or even contribute I will love you forever.


He Drove Off Silently Into The Night

All That Is Wrong With Lena Dunham

There is a plague like scourge that America is currently dealing with, and her name is Lena Dunham. One of the physical embodiments of the “regressive left” that exists in our once great (and will be great again after November when Lena Dunham moves to Canada) country. I’m not a sexist, or a bigot, or a racist but this post is going to definitely make me sound like one. If you’re good at what you do, I like and respect you. That counts for everyone; women, men, children, Arabs, Africans, Gays, etc. I’m blind to labels, I only see talent. For example, I believe Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are very funny comedians – in the top 10 of my list of current comics.


Sorry if you were planning on eating in the next month

I discovered this wench over 4 years ago in 2012 when I saw the show “Girls” on HBO on demand. I watched an episode, I cannot remember which episode, lets just say it was the pilot, and was utterly disgusted. Disgusted mostly with myself that I wasted over 50 minutes of my precious life absorbing this nonsense. But also disgusted with television and HBO to allow such fuckery to air. That day I made a promise to myself that I would never put myself through that, or anything like it ever again.


Lena after dropping a dirty turd. Stinks in there.

However, this accidental viewing of “Girls” wasn’t the last time I would be tortured by this mental midget. Since “Girls” started in 2012 she has seemed to hit the news a couple of times a year for various dumb reasons.


I’m seriously sorry if you were planning on eating

First, she received a $3.7 million dollar advance for a book shortly after the first season of her show ended – and good for her, I’m happy for her. But I’m also happy that, as of January 16th 2016, her books only sold 271,931 copies. Which is a little more than half way to the publishers break even point of 500,000 copies sold – serves them right. That’s karma. With any luck, the PC lib asshat who approved that deal got canned.



By the way, the only non-whites in the pilot of Girls were a black taxi driver, a black homeless guy, and an Asian. They then hired Donald Glover AKA Childish Gambino to star in a couple of episodes in season 2 to end the claims of racism. Pretty strange for a show created by such a PC, liberal, gay rights, and other minorities activist.


The belly button is deep

Fast forward to 2014. Lena’s book “Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s ‘Learned'” is finally released. In it she reveals her sexual assault of her sister and also makes the PROVEN false claim that she was sexually assaulted while she was a student at Oberlin College. By the way, Lena’s sister is now a lesbian. Conventional wisdom says that sexuality is genetic, but this is an interesting coincidence, the younger sister being sexually assaulted as a child by the older sister and becomes a lesbian. This book is a true window into the ugliness that resides inside Lena Dunham’s body.

In the book Lena says she was high on coke and xanax and she was alone when she was raped. This random CONSERVATIVE man from her college took advantage of the situation and sexually assaulted her. I’m sorry but how is the man’s politics relevant to the false rape. Why is that detail added to the narrative? Also, if you’re high on coke and xanax, it’s probably not that easy to communicate whether or not you want sex – I recommend to only mix these substances around friends. All in all, rape is a very serious accusation and even if the man is found innocent, many times the damage to his reputation is already done. I personally know a man who was falsely accused of rape and he the situation made him suicidal, he hasn’t been the same since. For this reason alone, Lena should be ostracized from mainstream pop culture.


Be careful or I’ll accuse you of rape

Another interesting tidbit on Lena is how she claimed she was waiting to get married until gay marriage is legal in all 50 states. So then, in 2015 when gay marriage becomes legal on the federal level, she says she’s not ready to get married yet. So, the question becomes, why even make that statement in the first place? Lena clearly isn’t the new generations premier logician, that’s for certain.


Hope you weren’t planning on eating this month

So now we’re in 2016 and the stupid Lena Dunham stories are only accelerating. First we have her coming to the defense of fellow false rape accuser Ke$ha. Definitely makes sense – “it’s a false rape accuser thing”. If a woman accuses a man of rape and then it’s proven to be a lie, that woman should get as many years, if not more, in prison than the man would have gotten.


“Theres no toilet paper left to wipe my butt with”

Then we have her dumb comment about Kanye’s video for his song “Famous”. She says the video is one of the most “disturbing ‘artistic’ efforts in her recent memory”.This is the video with the naked wax versions of various celebrities. Of note is that Lena Dunham was not one of those naked wax celebrities. It’s not good to make assumptions, but I have a feeling she wouldn’t have made that criticism if she was one of those naked celebs. When asked about Lena’s criticism, Kanye responded, “who?”.


That’s a dumb tattoo

Now, most recently, Lena gave a speech at the Democratic National Convention. I don’t know what segment of the Democratic electorate she represents. And it’s also pretty ironic that the Black Lives Matter party would have someone who is the definition of white privilege speak, but that’s beyond my scope here. Straight up, what she said was just really stupid.


All in all, please don’t pay this idiot any further attention. She’s not interesting, she’s unfunny, and a no talent. She doesn’t stand for anything, and isn’t intelligent. The least you can do, is next time you’re in Barnes & Noble, find Lena’s book, pick your nose or your ass, and wipe your dirty finger on a page.